Last night was the first night alone (except for Harley) in the camper. I slept great! The AC makes great white noise. I wasn't going to turn it on, but it drowns out the traffic which is very loud.
Harley and I slept until 8am! We went for a walk and now coffee and breakfast. Mentally making plans for the day. I need to stop that habit because it only stresses me out.
On another note. I just read an email from All Saints about a dear couple in our congregation who lost their son and daughter in law in a car accident last week. I really and truly have no words for what they must be going through, but it puts my whining about Ben being gone in perspective. I know I turned around to my pain, but it can't even begin to compare to suddenly losing your child. Life is precious, and I need to take my brother's words and what I know to be true, to stay in the present moment and observe what is happening in the here and now. What is past is past, what is the future, no one can tell. Learn from the past to ensure your future is smoother, but stay here because you will never have this moment again.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Camping 101
I decided to make the move to a campground to put Karen at ease. I know it must be hard to be in a house where you feel threatened. She is telling people that Harley bit her. I am pretty sure if Harley bit her, we would all know. I think Karen got the brunt of her claws that need to be trimmed.
Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought, but I really got mad at my own daughter on our way back to the camper. She once again was criticizing my driving. That child is constantly criticizing me for something! Here's hoping that she grows out of that stage! She is 20 for crying out loud!
The girls were going to Disney today, but my feeling is that they were really tired after having to get up really early in the morning that they changed their minds. It's okay by me. I am here at the campground for my first solo night. It's solo if you don't count Harley. I bought some salmon to cook and I am chilling in this beautiful weather.
My brother and I had an interesting conversation about my grieving. He wants to help me in some way. I don't think that anything can help with that. I do think it's too early to for me to be over the hard stuff. I know it will get easier. It got easier with Mom. It's different with Ben because he was the other parent. The other one who loved my children the same as me. I lost another cheerleader. He was my support system that support system is now gone. I figure that I have 3 more firsts, then I am done with that. New Year's Eve AKA Annie's 21st birthday, my birthday, then the first deathaversary. New term coined by me.
My friend Kathy just lost her dad this morning. I am going straight to Norfolk when I get home to be with her. I wish I was there now. Soon, soon. Trying to stay here, in the now.
Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought, but I really got mad at my own daughter on our way back to the camper. She once again was criticizing my driving. That child is constantly criticizing me for something! Here's hoping that she grows out of that stage! She is 20 for crying out loud!
The girls were going to Disney today, but my feeling is that they were really tired after having to get up really early in the morning that they changed their minds. It's okay by me. I am here at the campground for my first solo night. It's solo if you don't count Harley. I bought some salmon to cook and I am chilling in this beautiful weather.
My brother and I had an interesting conversation about my grieving. He wants to help me in some way. I don't think that anything can help with that. I do think it's too early to for me to be over the hard stuff. I know it will get easier. It got easier with Mom. It's different with Ben because he was the other parent. The other one who loved my children the same as me. I lost another cheerleader. He was my support system that support system is now gone. I figure that I have 3 more firsts, then I am done with that. New Year's Eve AKA Annie's 21st birthday, my birthday, then the first deathaversary. New term coined by me.
My friend Kathy just lost her dad this morning. I am going straight to Norfolk when I get home to be with her. I wish I was there now. Soon, soon. Trying to stay here, in the now.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Another Sleepless Night
It is 3 am, and I am up again. There are so many thoughts running through my head. The trip to Florida for Christmas has been a disaster so far. Okay, so not a total disaster, but it's one of those times when you make a horrible decision, and it's one of those decisions that you will never ever forget for the rest of your life.
We decided to bring my daughter's dog (pit bull) with us on the trip. Harley has been nothing but a sweetheart around everyone. I am also a person who is way too trusting and wants to see the good in everything. I really have to change that. Anyway, I did not let my sister in law know that she was coming because Harley is so good and stays so well in a room for hours. All day if needed. My sister in law is petrified of pit bulls, and she has grandchildren that she was rightfully worried about. Well, I told her how sweet Harley was, and how calm, blah, blah, blah. You see where this is headed, right?
My girls left for Disney, and I decided that Harley would be okay running around in the backyard. Well, my sister in law came into the backyard a different way and Harley started growling and barking at her. She happened to be in the chair with me, so I had a hold of her, and she really wasn't pulling that hard. Once my SIL was outside of the gate, I let Harley go because she had stopped barking and growling. Well, my sister in law came back in the gate, and Harley went for her. She jumped up on her and tried to bite her, I think. I know she jumped on her and was close to her face, but Harley quickly changed her mind and ran in another direction. Well, by sister in law was shaken as was I. It's one of those visions that I will keep forever, and I hate it.
So, this wasn't going to be the best Christmas anyway because of my husband being gone, but NOW I have that.
I am looking for a campground for us to stay in for the rest of our visit. I certainly don't trust Harley as much as I used to, and I do not want her around anyone unless my daughter is within sight. I really just want to go home, but it won't change what happened.
We decided to bring my daughter's dog (pit bull) with us on the trip. Harley has been nothing but a sweetheart around everyone. I am also a person who is way too trusting and wants to see the good in everything. I really have to change that. Anyway, I did not let my sister in law know that she was coming because Harley is so good and stays so well in a room for hours. All day if needed. My sister in law is petrified of pit bulls, and she has grandchildren that she was rightfully worried about. Well, I told her how sweet Harley was, and how calm, blah, blah, blah. You see where this is headed, right?
My girls left for Disney, and I decided that Harley would be okay running around in the backyard. Well, my sister in law came into the backyard a different way and Harley started growling and barking at her. She happened to be in the chair with me, so I had a hold of her, and she really wasn't pulling that hard. Once my SIL was outside of the gate, I let Harley go because she had stopped barking and growling. Well, my sister in law came back in the gate, and Harley went for her. She jumped up on her and tried to bite her, I think. I know she jumped on her and was close to her face, but Harley quickly changed her mind and ran in another direction. Well, by sister in law was shaken as was I. It's one of those visions that I will keep forever, and I hate it.
So, this wasn't going to be the best Christmas anyway because of my husband being gone, but NOW I have that.
I am looking for a campground for us to stay in for the rest of our visit. I certainly don't trust Harley as much as I used to, and I do not want her around anyone unless my daughter is within sight. I really just want to go home, but it won't change what happened.
Friday, December 22, 2017
The Beginning
Yes, this is just for me, but anyone is welcome to look at what is just for me. This is going to be my therapy and my personal vent space.
I am a 54 soon to be 55 year old mother, used to be wife, and teacher. My husband passed away April 29, 2017. My mom passed away April 16, 2016, her brother, my only uncle died 2 months later. I know it may not be as bad as what others have gone through, but this has totally rocked my world.
I am the youngest of 4 children. I have 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. My brothers are married to the kindest women ever. My sister is divorced, and I am not on speaking terms with her. There will be much more on that later.
I am a literacy specialist and I teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders reading.
Okay, so now it's Christmas of 2017. I hate it.
I am a 54 soon to be 55 year old mother, used to be wife, and teacher. My husband passed away April 29, 2017. My mom passed away April 16, 2016, her brother, my only uncle died 2 months later. I know it may not be as bad as what others have gone through, but this has totally rocked my world.
I am the youngest of 4 children. I have 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. My brothers are married to the kindest women ever. My sister is divorced, and I am not on speaking terms with her. There will be much more on that later.
I am a literacy specialist and I teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders reading.
Okay, so now it's Christmas of 2017. I hate it.
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