I have been reading Richard Rohr's emails on and off for about 2 and a half years. I was really good at keeping up with it, until my life fell apart. Until my world fell apart. I know that is dramatic, but now that I am coming out of the 'fog', I really think my life did fall apart. I started reading his emails, I am going to call them lessons, because that is what I think they are, again. It's interesting the common theme through him and church has been suffering. That is what I have been doing, suffering. That is a pretty powerful word when you think about it, especially when I put that adjective on myself.
The suffering began in ernest when my youngest daughter went off to college for her freshman year. The second or third week she was there, she contracted pneumonia. Now, this daughter also has an autoimmune condition, ITP, which causes her platlet count to drop, so her immune system is not all that great. Well, by the time I got to Western Carolina, they were putting her in ICU. WHAT!? She was so sick. Her whole left lung was full and the next morning, it was starting to move to her other lung. The doctor told me that he would intubate her if necessary in order for her to heal. That is a scary moment. I was alone, until my husband managed to score a free flight to the hospital. I was scared. That day though she managed to turn the corner, and she started getting better! That was traumatic.
The second event was my mom. She finally decided to move out of their 5 bedroom house in Sandbridge to move into an assisted living facility. I think she has to be the shortest term resident. She moved in the first of April and ended up in the hospital 2 weeks later. She passed away on April 16, 2016. Gut wrenching suffering. I lost my mom. One of the most important people in my life! She was the one that loved me the MOST. She is the one who loved hearing about what my girls were doing. She is the one who stood up for me. She is my mom. She is my mom. It's not like I expected her to live forever, but still, I wanted her to. She was ready to go, though. Two months later, her brother, my Uncle Stimp left us. He said he felt like Pat, my mom, was calling him to join her. He was so ready to join her.
As I was grieving for my mom, my husband was in pain and tired, all the time. Which brings us to next traumatic event. I think it started around Christmas, but it started getting REALLY bad shortly after my mom died. After lots of doctor's visits in which he was diagnosed with many things like Rocky Mountain Spotted fever, rheumetoid arthritis, he was referred to a rheumetoid arthritis specialist. She had the bright idea to do a complete bloodwork panel, which included a PSA test for the prostate. Well, that got to the bottom of the problem. His PSA was in the 90's. He had missed his urologist appointment, and didn't ever realize it. He was always good about going and everything was going so well since his first run in with prostate cancer. He got complacent, or his body was just not operating up to par. Lots of things, I think, played into what happened next. His cancer was back and it was aggressive. At least, we had something to blame for the pain. The first treatment worked for 2 months, then stopped. He passed away April 29, 2017. There is a whole other story behind these events, so I will save that story for another day.
Back to suffering, me, suffering. Yes, it has been a few years of suffering. I am recovering, I am coming out of my suffering enough to see the light, and to know that God is with me. God has not left me, and God is beside me, and within me. God has not left me, I think I have left God. God is gently reminding me that I am not alone. The past two sermons at church have been about suffering, the Rohr emails have been about suffering. Would I have noticed this common thread when I was deep in suffering? Probably not. Now is when I need to know and see and feel. It is good. I am waking up from the suffering. I'm not fully awake, but I am on a journey to become fully awake.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
A Little About Just Me
It's a great title, right? I thought so! Since I am going to start actually publishing my blog, I thought I might introduce myself to the interwebs. I will start at the very beginning so this may take awhile, and I have papers to grade right now. I will be back....
Okay, so where was I?
I was born January 23, 1963 in Annapolis, MD. My parents, Bill and Pat Sinclair, named me Virginia Page Sinclair. My mom wanted to name me Caroline, but my dad was not having it because of the Kennedy's. Virginia was taken from my most loving grandmother, my mom's mom, Virginia Stimson or Stimpson (I will have to check on that.) Hawkins. We called her Muttie, other people called her Gints. Page is a name that this same grandmother liked. I am not sure why they left out the 'i', but it made for some great teasing as I was growing up. It was a different name for back then, but I finally met another Paige when I was in elementary school. I was jealous of her 'i'. I am the youngest of 4 children.
We moved along the east, living in Severna Park, MD, Charleston, NC, and we ended up staying in Virginia Beach, VA. We moved to Virginia Beach in 1966 or 67. I think my mom had had it with the moving thing. I can't imagine doing it with 4 children. I know my dad would work out of town and come home on the weekends. I am not sure how my mom did that either.
We lived in a nice neighborhood called Alanton. My sister and I shared a room. My two brothers got their own rooms.
I am going to fast forward because I see so many stories in just that time, that I will save it for another time. After my brothers and sisters had moved on to college, my parents built their dream house in Sandbridge, which is still a part of Virginia Beach. It used to be a small oceanfront community with not many people who lived there year round. I had to change schools for the first time in my life and it had to be junior high. I graduated from Kellam High School in 1981, went to Radford University and had a great time for 4 years, but did not earn a degree. Again, lots of stories in there. I went to many colleges for a semester or two, lived in Orlando, FL, for awhile, then finally settled down and got my Bachelor's Degree in Early Childhood Education from Norfolk State University. At this time, I met met my future husband and we got married June 27, 1992 6 months after I graduated from college. I was 29 years old. I had my first daughter in 1993, and my second and last daughter New Year's Eve in 1996. I got a teaching job in Virginia Beach in 1994. During that time, I received my Masters Degree in Reading from the University of Virginia. I taught there until 2005 when we decided to move to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I started teaching in Dare County in 2007 and I am still teaching! My husband passed away April 29, 2017, and it is still painful.
So that is my life in a nutshell because I am beginning to see the many stories that can be told within this short autobiography.
Okay, so where was I?
I was born January 23, 1963 in Annapolis, MD. My parents, Bill and Pat Sinclair, named me Virginia Page Sinclair. My mom wanted to name me Caroline, but my dad was not having it because of the Kennedy's. Virginia was taken from my most loving grandmother, my mom's mom, Virginia Stimson or Stimpson (I will have to check on that.) Hawkins. We called her Muttie, other people called her Gints. Page is a name that this same grandmother liked. I am not sure why they left out the 'i', but it made for some great teasing as I was growing up. It was a different name for back then, but I finally met another Paige when I was in elementary school. I was jealous of her 'i'. I am the youngest of 4 children.
We moved along the east, living in Severna Park, MD, Charleston, NC, and we ended up staying in Virginia Beach, VA. We moved to Virginia Beach in 1966 or 67. I think my mom had had it with the moving thing. I can't imagine doing it with 4 children. I know my dad would work out of town and come home on the weekends. I am not sure how my mom did that either.
We lived in a nice neighborhood called Alanton. My sister and I shared a room. My two brothers got their own rooms.
I am going to fast forward because I see so many stories in just that time, that I will save it for another time. After my brothers and sisters had moved on to college, my parents built their dream house in Sandbridge, which is still a part of Virginia Beach. It used to be a small oceanfront community with not many people who lived there year round. I had to change schools for the first time in my life and it had to be junior high. I graduated from Kellam High School in 1981, went to Radford University and had a great time for 4 years, but did not earn a degree. Again, lots of stories in there. I went to many colleges for a semester or two, lived in Orlando, FL, for awhile, then finally settled down and got my Bachelor's Degree in Early Childhood Education from Norfolk State University. At this time, I met met my future husband and we got married June 27, 1992 6 months after I graduated from college. I was 29 years old. I had my first daughter in 1993, and my second and last daughter New Year's Eve in 1996. I got a teaching job in Virginia Beach in 1994. During that time, I received my Masters Degree in Reading from the University of Virginia. I taught there until 2005 when we decided to move to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I started teaching in Dare County in 2007 and I am still teaching! My husband passed away April 29, 2017, and it is still painful.
So that is my life in a nutshell because I am beginning to see the many stories that can be told within this short autobiography.
Me and my girls after white water rafting in Western North Carolina.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
About last night
Last night was the first night alone (except for Harley) in the camper. I slept great! The AC makes great white noise. I wasn't going to turn it on, but it drowns out the traffic which is very loud.
Harley and I slept until 8am! We went for a walk and now coffee and breakfast. Mentally making plans for the day. I need to stop that habit because it only stresses me out.
On another note. I just read an email from All Saints about a dear couple in our congregation who lost their son and daughter in law in a car accident last week. I really and truly have no words for what they must be going through, but it puts my whining about Ben being gone in perspective. I know I turned around to my pain, but it can't even begin to compare to suddenly losing your child. Life is precious, and I need to take my brother's words and what I know to be true, to stay in the present moment and observe what is happening in the here and now. What is past is past, what is the future, no one can tell. Learn from the past to ensure your future is smoother, but stay here because you will never have this moment again.
Harley and I slept until 8am! We went for a walk and now coffee and breakfast. Mentally making plans for the day. I need to stop that habit because it only stresses me out.
On another note. I just read an email from All Saints about a dear couple in our congregation who lost their son and daughter in law in a car accident last week. I really and truly have no words for what they must be going through, but it puts my whining about Ben being gone in perspective. I know I turned around to my pain, but it can't even begin to compare to suddenly losing your child. Life is precious, and I need to take my brother's words and what I know to be true, to stay in the present moment and observe what is happening in the here and now. What is past is past, what is the future, no one can tell. Learn from the past to ensure your future is smoother, but stay here because you will never have this moment again.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Camping 101
I decided to make the move to a campground to put Karen at ease. I know it must be hard to be in a house where you feel threatened. She is telling people that Harley bit her. I am pretty sure if Harley bit her, we would all know. I think Karen got the brunt of her claws that need to be trimmed.
Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought, but I really got mad at my own daughter on our way back to the camper. She once again was criticizing my driving. That child is constantly criticizing me for something! Here's hoping that she grows out of that stage! She is 20 for crying out loud!
The girls were going to Disney today, but my feeling is that they were really tired after having to get up really early in the morning that they changed their minds. It's okay by me. I am here at the campground for my first solo night. It's solo if you don't count Harley. I bought some salmon to cook and I am chilling in this beautiful weather.
My brother and I had an interesting conversation about my grieving. He wants to help me in some way. I don't think that anything can help with that. I do think it's too early to for me to be over the hard stuff. I know it will get easier. It got easier with Mom. It's different with Ben because he was the other parent. The other one who loved my children the same as me. I lost another cheerleader. He was my support system that support system is now gone. I figure that I have 3 more firsts, then I am done with that. New Year's Eve AKA Annie's 21st birthday, my birthday, then the first deathaversary. New term coined by me.
My friend Kathy just lost her dad this morning. I am going straight to Norfolk when I get home to be with her. I wish I was there now. Soon, soon. Trying to stay here, in the now.
Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought, but I really got mad at my own daughter on our way back to the camper. She once again was criticizing my driving. That child is constantly criticizing me for something! Here's hoping that she grows out of that stage! She is 20 for crying out loud!
The girls were going to Disney today, but my feeling is that they were really tired after having to get up really early in the morning that they changed their minds. It's okay by me. I am here at the campground for my first solo night. It's solo if you don't count Harley. I bought some salmon to cook and I am chilling in this beautiful weather.
My brother and I had an interesting conversation about my grieving. He wants to help me in some way. I don't think that anything can help with that. I do think it's too early to for me to be over the hard stuff. I know it will get easier. It got easier with Mom. It's different with Ben because he was the other parent. The other one who loved my children the same as me. I lost another cheerleader. He was my support system that support system is now gone. I figure that I have 3 more firsts, then I am done with that. New Year's Eve AKA Annie's 21st birthday, my birthday, then the first deathaversary. New term coined by me.
My friend Kathy just lost her dad this morning. I am going straight to Norfolk when I get home to be with her. I wish I was there now. Soon, soon. Trying to stay here, in the now.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Another Sleepless Night
It is 3 am, and I am up again. There are so many thoughts running through my head. The trip to Florida for Christmas has been a disaster so far. Okay, so not a total disaster, but it's one of those times when you make a horrible decision, and it's one of those decisions that you will never ever forget for the rest of your life.
We decided to bring my daughter's dog (pit bull) with us on the trip. Harley has been nothing but a sweetheart around everyone. I am also a person who is way too trusting and wants to see the good in everything. I really have to change that. Anyway, I did not let my sister in law know that she was coming because Harley is so good and stays so well in a room for hours. All day if needed. My sister in law is petrified of pit bulls, and she has grandchildren that she was rightfully worried about. Well, I told her how sweet Harley was, and how calm, blah, blah, blah. You see where this is headed, right?
My girls left for Disney, and I decided that Harley would be okay running around in the backyard. Well, my sister in law came into the backyard a different way and Harley started growling and barking at her. She happened to be in the chair with me, so I had a hold of her, and she really wasn't pulling that hard. Once my SIL was outside of the gate, I let Harley go because she had stopped barking and growling. Well, my sister in law came back in the gate, and Harley went for her. She jumped up on her and tried to bite her, I think. I know she jumped on her and was close to her face, but Harley quickly changed her mind and ran in another direction. Well, by sister in law was shaken as was I. It's one of those visions that I will keep forever, and I hate it.
So, this wasn't going to be the best Christmas anyway because of my husband being gone, but NOW I have that.
I am looking for a campground for us to stay in for the rest of our visit. I certainly don't trust Harley as much as I used to, and I do not want her around anyone unless my daughter is within sight. I really just want to go home, but it won't change what happened.
We decided to bring my daughter's dog (pit bull) with us on the trip. Harley has been nothing but a sweetheart around everyone. I am also a person who is way too trusting and wants to see the good in everything. I really have to change that. Anyway, I did not let my sister in law know that she was coming because Harley is so good and stays so well in a room for hours. All day if needed. My sister in law is petrified of pit bulls, and she has grandchildren that she was rightfully worried about. Well, I told her how sweet Harley was, and how calm, blah, blah, blah. You see where this is headed, right?
My girls left for Disney, and I decided that Harley would be okay running around in the backyard. Well, my sister in law came into the backyard a different way and Harley started growling and barking at her. She happened to be in the chair with me, so I had a hold of her, and she really wasn't pulling that hard. Once my SIL was outside of the gate, I let Harley go because she had stopped barking and growling. Well, my sister in law came back in the gate, and Harley went for her. She jumped up on her and tried to bite her, I think. I know she jumped on her and was close to her face, but Harley quickly changed her mind and ran in another direction. Well, by sister in law was shaken as was I. It's one of those visions that I will keep forever, and I hate it.
So, this wasn't going to be the best Christmas anyway because of my husband being gone, but NOW I have that.
I am looking for a campground for us to stay in for the rest of our visit. I certainly don't trust Harley as much as I used to, and I do not want her around anyone unless my daughter is within sight. I really just want to go home, but it won't change what happened.
Friday, December 22, 2017
The Beginning
Yes, this is just for me, but anyone is welcome to look at what is just for me. This is going to be my therapy and my personal vent space.
I am a 54 soon to be 55 year old mother, used to be wife, and teacher. My husband passed away April 29, 2017. My mom passed away April 16, 2016, her brother, my only uncle died 2 months later. I know it may not be as bad as what others have gone through, but this has totally rocked my world.
I am the youngest of 4 children. I have 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. My brothers are married to the kindest women ever. My sister is divorced, and I am not on speaking terms with her. There will be much more on that later.
I am a literacy specialist and I teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders reading.
Okay, so now it's Christmas of 2017. I hate it.
I am a 54 soon to be 55 year old mother, used to be wife, and teacher. My husband passed away April 29, 2017. My mom passed away April 16, 2016, her brother, my only uncle died 2 months later. I know it may not be as bad as what others have gone through, but this has totally rocked my world.
I am the youngest of 4 children. I have 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. My brothers are married to the kindest women ever. My sister is divorced, and I am not on speaking terms with her. There will be much more on that later.
I am a literacy specialist and I teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders reading.
Okay, so now it's Christmas of 2017. I hate it.
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